


so long, astoria (cont.)

by clumsygyrl (thegirlthatisclumsy)



Series: astoria [2]
Category: Bandom, Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy, My Chemical Romance, Panic At The Disco, The Used
Genre: Alternate Universe - Movie Fusion, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-10-31
Updated: 2007-10-31
Packaged: 2017-11-10 17:52:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/469044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thegirlthatisclumsy/pseuds/clumsygyrl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bandom does Goonies?</p>
            </blockquote>





	so long, astoria (cont.)

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer:** all true. yup. all of it. except where it’s not. being everything with vowels and consonants. also if you are someone in any of these bands, i hope you find this funny.  
>  **Warnings:** if you have NEVER SEEN GOONIES, then you will probably not understand most of this fic. there are a lot of allusions to the movie and things that you will have to remember from the movie for the... well for it to be funny, i suppose.  
> 

They made their way down into the depths of the mine shaft. The climb down through the fireplace grate was a tight squeeze but they all managed. Leaving Chunk behind to deal with and go get the cops, was more a necessity than a choice. Mikey had to believe that Bob would make it to the authorities and not get dead.

“You got a flashlight, Trick?” Ray asked rubbing his face with his bandana. They all looked a little frazzled around the edges.

Patrick nodded and opened up his jacket and smirked. “C-call this my B-Bully B-Blinder.”

+++++

Bob crawled through the underbrush and grumbled, cursing everything from the stars and Pete Wentz. And the Saportas. If the Richies hadn’t wanted to turn his house into a sandtrap, they wouldn’t be in this spot. He supposed he couldn’t blame Wentz for that. Well, at least now he had ample time to commit to figuring out how he could make it Wentz’s fault.

“I hate nature,” Bob muttered batting a cobweb away and straightening as he spotted the road. “Thank fucking God.” He jumped up and down and flagged down the next car. “Hey, thanks. So, I need to get to the cops. There are these bad fuckers the Fratellis and they’re like counterfeiting shit. And I gotta go help my friends who are like looking for something and they killed a guy. The Fratellis not my friends. They’re bad people. Seriously bad. Probably like Manson bad, but without the eating them part, but I’m not sure. They killed a guy like I said, but really I don’t know. There could be like freezers full. This time though probably two guys and--.”

There was a snaphiss of a match being struck and Bob felt his stomach sink.

“Fuck.” Bob said backing up and then felt himself being dragged backward into the back of the car.

Jake laughed and blew out a ring of smoke and started to sing a little bit of _Il barbiere di Siviglia_

+++++

“Well, that sort of worked,” Pete said wringing out his shirt.

The tunnel had led them into a massive maze of pipes that Mikey had decided to start banging on. To gain attention or notice from passerbys.

It didn’t work as well as they’d hoped.

“It’s damn dark here. Oh crap!” Mikey said tripping over something. “Hey, I think it’s a lantern. Patrick, gimme a match!” Soon they had the tunnel lit. “Whoa, hey. Look at that.” He said pointing to the tunnel with the row of boulders down the middle.

“Dude, what’s up with the cheerleader?” Pete asked standing up as they all watched as Brendon babbled to himself, loudly freaking out.

“Gabe liked my body. I could let him touch me. I mean, really. It’s okay. It’s cool. I mean, not molest me or anything, but he could… look. I have a beautiful body. Don’t you think I have a beautiful body?” Brendon asked turning to Ray.

“You’ve got a great body.” Ray said trying to hold Brendon’s arm.

“Seriously. It’s not that bad. I have a beautiful body. How long before I start getting all fat and bald and my teeth get all fucked and I end up,” he waved his hand at the skeleton on the ground. “Looking like him.”

Mikey winced at Brendon’s scream. He really hoped that One Eyed Willie had a tiara in his treasure pile. He figured that’d make up for a lot with Brendon.

+++++

“I’d like some of that, sir,” Bob said leaning up from the chair for a bite of rocky road.

Francis flicked Bob on the nose. “Shut up. Time to confess, piggy.”

Bob grimaced. “Fuck you.”

Jake started the blender and Mama Fratelli smiled. “Where are your little friends?”

Bob gulped and shook his head. “Confess,” Jake said throwing a pulpy tomato down into the blender. Bob’s stomach turned watching the tomato get it.

“Confess?” Bob whimpered and looked over at Francis. “Okay.”

“From the beginning, kid,” Francis said flicking his nose again.

“Well, in the first grade…”

+++++

Mikey sucked down a puff of Albuterol and looked up at the ceiling. “One of your tricks, Willie. I know it is.” They searched the dead body’s pockets while Brendon not so quietly freaked out on Spencer’s shoulder.

“I’ll bet he’s Ch-chester C-Copperp-pot.” Patrick said pacing back and forth.

“Who?” Pete asked in confusion.

“Th-the expert. He w-went in an-an-and didn’t come out.” Patrick said in frustration.

Mikey nodded. “The article in the attic. He was the expert. He was supposed to be an expert in all this stuff. Knew everything about Willie.”

“F-f-fuck. If he was an expert, and he d-d-died. What about us? Huh?” Patrick’s voice went up in volume.

“Shhh!”

“He’s right. If he was some expert, Mikes, and he didn’t make it. What chance do we have?” Pete asked worrying his lower lip.

“Well, we don’t know that it’s him. Check his pockets.” Mikey said nudging Pete.

“Fuck that. You touch him.” Pete muttered.

Mikey took a deep breath and patted the guy down and pulled out his wallet. “Lou Gehrig?” He searched through the rest of the wallet. “Yeah, it’s him.”

Ray and Pete groaned and Patrick threw up his hands. “W-we’re f-fucked!”

+++++

Bob swallowed and squeezed out a few more crocodile tears. “And then in the third grade I pushed my cousin down the stairs and blamed it on the dog.”

Francis grinned and patted Bob’s shoulder. “I’m startin’ to like this kid, Mama.”

+++++

Never let it be said that Pete couldn’t find shiny shit. “Hey, look at this guys. Guys!” Pete said pulling the heavy metal key from under Chester’s shirt.

“Man, that looks like One Eyed Willie.” Mikey said taking hold of it and gasped, falling back against Pete as Chester’s skull rolled away from his body. Mikey looked down at the cord that held the key that had decapitated Chester.

“Trick, where’re you going?” Brendon asked looking at Patrick pace down the end of the tunnel.

“S-setting bu-bu-booby tr-traps.” Patrick said fiddling with some things and planting them into the ground.

“Booby traps?” Spencer asked frowning.

“That’s what I said!” Patrick said glaring at them. “In case the F-Fratellis are ch-chasing us.”

Pete watched in sick fashion as Ray respectfully put Chester’s head back on his body. He whimpered when Ray wiped his hand on Pete’s jacket.

“See, this has got to be. Hey, what’s this?” Mikey asked unearthing a string half buried in the soft packed earth. “Weh oh.”

“Oh fuck. Everyone run!” Ray yelled heading for the outcropping of rock at the far end of the tunnel as the ceiling started to shake.

There was a whirring of gears, rusty and creaking sounding as they began to move.

“RUN!”

Brendon and Spencer scrambled up the side of the rock wall into the tiny shelf of stone. Pete screamed for Patrick. Ray hauled Mikey in as the whole cavern shuddered. Patrick stumbled and fell a boulder landing inches from his feet.

“Holy sh--.” Patrick swallowed down the rest of it and scrambled up into the niche.

“The lantern!” Mikey yelled and squirmed out despite Ray’s hold.

“MIKEY!”

Mikey ran, slipping on the soft wet earth and snagged the lamp and scrambled back up the wall into the niche.

“Well, that… could have been worse.” Mikey said smiling weakly and taking a puff on his inhaler.

+++++

The room shook and Francis clutched at Bob’s arm.

“Earthquake?”

“There ain’t no earthquakes in Jersey, Jake,” Francis said smacking Jake across the face.

“Screw you. There are earthquakes!” Jake screamed and belted Francis one back.

Bob had a sinking feeling that this distinctly had a Mikey flavor to it.

+++++

“I think it stopped.” Mikey said leaning back against the wall of the cave.

“Well, great. We’re blocked in though. Fratellis on that end and dead end here.” Pete said rubbing at his eyes, smearing his eyeliner.

“Thanks for the update, Captain Obvious,” Spencer said rolling his eyes.

“Oh shut up, Smith.” Pete said.

“Make me.” Spencer said crossing his arms over his chest.

“I don’t make ugly.” Pete said airily.

Spencer narrowed his eyes at Pete. “Real mature, pinhead.”

“Will you two shut the hell up? I think I hear something.” Ray said putting his ear to the wall. “I feel air, guys. It could be a way out.”

“Maybe it’s the Fratellis,” Brendon said.

“Maybe Chunk found the police,” Pete said.

“Maybe it’s another one of Willie’s traps,” Spencer said.

Ray put his shoulder to the small boulder and started to roll it aside.

“Uhm, Ray. While that was a rather sexy display of manly masculinity, God, uh, put that rock there for a reason, maybe you shouldn’t move it.” Spencer said fidgeting.

+++++

“…But the worst thing I ever did was--,” Bob said swallowing watching Mama put another tomato into the blender.

“Tired of your stories, boy. Fess up.” Mama said eyeing Bob.

“Hey, what’s that sound?” Jake asked looking up just as the fireplace exploded and the room was filled with bats.

While Francis protected his hairpiece and Jake tried valiantly to ward the bats off with a makeshift cross made with his two fingers, Bob dived to the floor, taking the ice cream with him. “Mikey! Guys! If you can hear me, RUN. Run! They’re coming after you!”

+++++

“Here, Brendon, this next part could be scary. You might want to hold my hand,” Mikey offered, pushing his glasses up.

Brendon smiled at him and then his eyes lit up as they walked through the mouth of the next cavern. Everything glittered and spangled in silver. Brendon let Mikey and Ray step through the sheet of water first and they all just gaped.

“Oh man,” Pete whispered.

Mikey shook his head as they all started to dive into, literally, the pools of water and silver coin. “This isn’t right.”

+++++

“Where did the hell those bats come from?” Francis asked pacing and peering down the hole that was their fireplace. “Hey, there’s… there’s a whole thing down there. Mine shaft.”

“Maybe the kid was telling the truth about the whole treasure thing.” Jake said rubbing his neck, checking for bite marks.

Mama snorted and she smacked both of her boys on the head. “Don’t be stupid. We gotta go get them. They’ve seen us. They know where we are.”

“I was tryin’ to tell you jerks.” Bob said mouth full of ice cream. He looked up when there was no answer. “Oh fuck.” He muttered and felt himself be jerked up. “No!” He growled when they tugged the carton away from him.

“Hey, what’s this?” Jake asked picking up the old coin from the floor.

“It’s a doubloon!” Mama crowed and bit it to check its authenticity. “Looks like the kid wasn’t such a liar afterall.”

Bob tried to kick at Francis. “Fuck you guys. Leave my friends alone. Stay away from them.”

“Oh, we will boy. We’ll make sure they’re… put away. As soon as they lead us to the treasure.” Mama jerked her hand toward the door, tucking the doubloon into her bra. “I don’t want him running to the cops. Put him in the room with You Know Who.”

Bob’s eyes widened. “No, oh fuck no. You’re not putting me in with that thing to get eaten.”

Francis smirked. “Well, he could live off your fat ass for days…”

“This isn’t right!” Bob was still whimpering when they dragged him off into the hall.

+++++

“Guys, really. This… this isn’t right.” Mikey said and he looked around as everyone was shoving coins into their pockets.

“Wait, no. Mikey’s right!” Spencer said squinting at the coins. “These… it’s not silver. They’re quarters and half dollars. God,” he looks up. “I know where we’re at. We’re at the Moss Hill Wishing Well.”

Brendon smiled softly. “You know, I always thought when you threw your money down they turned into your wishes.”

Spencer grabbed Pete’s arm and shook him. “Hey, you… You can’t take those. These are someone’s wishes and dreams. Someone’s hopes.”

Pete jerked his arm free and glared at Spencer, pushing his wet hair off his forehead. “Yeah, and what about all the wishes I had and the ones I’m not going to get a chance to ever make? What about this one? This one could be mine. Or this one. Or this one.” He said dropping the quarters into the water. He held one up to Spencer. “This one. This one could be mine. It’s not coming true. So I’m taking it back. I’m taking them all back.”

Spencer bit his lip and stepped back. He looked around and Patrick shook his head. They let Pete be.

+++++

The Thing was angry. It thrashed and Bob thought that it was pretty scary even for not being that big. Jake patted his cheek and grinned. “You two play nice now.” He hummed and patted Bob on the head. “How are your ropes? Too tight.”

“Yeah, they are.” Bob said struggling.

“Good. I’m glad they’re not too bad.” Jake said tugging at the rope and dragging his chair back toward the Thing.

“Actually it is. Hey, it’s not good.” Bob said eyeing the Thing.

There was a muffled grunt and a thud.

Jake reached behind Bob’s head and smacked the Thing. “Easy. Be nice to our guest.”

Bob tried to look back and swallowed hard.

Jake chuckled and patted Bob’s cheek. “We’re off to see your friends, kid.”

Bob tried to kick out and growled. “Leave my friends alone you dickface.” He grunted as the knots were tightened even more. “Fuck. You.” He grunted.

Jake smacked Bob again and slammed the door shut. “Leave them the fuck alone!” Bob yelled at the door. “Fuck, fuck. Fuck, so fucking screwed.” He growled and struggled against the ropes.

“Mommmfouhghss.”

Bob turned his head as far as he could to see the Thing. The Fratellis had it chained and in a straitjacket. He rocked his chair, doing a little jump hop thing. “Excuse me. Hi, sir. Uhm. My name is Bob. My friends call me Chunk. But that’s. I mean, my name’s Robert. Well, Bob. Like I said first.”

At the end of his speech, his chair wobbled directly in front of the Thing. “Oh fuck.” He muttered. The Thing’s face was a mass of scars and hair and his eye was all skewed and. “Hey, that’s a mask.” Bob frowned and hopped his chair closer. “Okay. So, nod if that’s a mask.”

The Thing nodded.

“Okay. Uhm, here’s the deal. You help me get out of here and I’ll help you get out of that thing. Nod if you understand.” Bob said tipping his chair back to reach the buckles on the Thing’s jacket. “Okay. I really hope you’re not as ugly under there as that thing is.” He muttered.

With his luck, the Thing would end up looking and acting just like Pete Wentz.

+++++

“That’s it!” Mikey crowed and stood up in the middle of the water just as a quarter dropped down right between his legs from above.

“Someone’s up there.” Ray said looking up toward the top of the well.

“Hello? Is someone up there?” Brendon yelled.

“Brendon is that you?” A voice called down.

“Gabe? Yeah, it’s Brendon! Send the bucket down will you?” Brendon asked.

“Brendon, what the hell are you doing down a well?” Gabe called down laughing.

“Stop asking stupid questions and send down the bucket!” Brendon yelled and he turned to grab Mikey’s arms. “We’re saved!”

Mikey shook his arm free and shook his head just as hard. “No we’re not. We… we can’t go up there.” He grabbed hold of Brendon’s hands. “It’s Chester Copperpot. Don’t you see?”

Brendon frowned. “No. He died. Just like us Mikey if we keep going.”

“But don’t you see? We made it farther than he did. We didn’t get killed.” Mikey persisted earnestly.

“But we could! Besides we gotta go to the police.” Brendon said shaking his hands free. He stepped into the bucket and looked back at Mikey.

“Maybe Bob already got to the police!” Mikey said reaching for the rope of the bucket.

”And maybe Bob is dead.” Brendon swallowed and shook his head.

“Don’t say that. Never say that. Us Goonies never say die.” Mikey shook the rope and stepped away, his hand still wound around the rope.

Brendon bit his lip, eyes shiny with tears. He stepped out of the bucket and touched Mikey’s shoulder. “But I’m not a Goonie, Mikey. I’m… I’m tired and scared and I want to go home.”

Mikey sighed and he dropped the rope. “I forgot. Okay, but. But… See that’s it. This time tomorrow or next week The next time we look around, up at the sky, it’s going to be over another city. That next time you turn in homework, it’s going to be in a new school. Right now our folks, my brother, they gotta do what’s right for them. Because it’s there time up there. They’re tryin’ and tryin’ but that’s up there. That’s their fight up there. Down here, right now. Down here it’s our time. It’s our time to try. To fight. To save them and us.” He paused and picked up the bucket and shakes it. “But that’s over as soon as we ride up Gabe’s bucket.”

Mikey dropped it, letting the rope rap softly against the side of the well. He looked at them all and took a long pull of his inhaler.

+++++

As it turned out, the Thing didn’t look anything like Pete Wentz. His name was Frank Iero, and he was being held ransom by the Fratellis.

“Goddamn, stupid mother fuckers snatched me right after school. Apparently they think just cuz my pops works in the refrigeration business that means he’s got some ins with the mob.” Frank mumbled around a mouthful of ice cream. He licked his fingers clean. (They couldn’t find spoons and Bob was starving. So was Frank. “Did you see the crap they were feeding me? Charred animal flesh. Sick bastards.”)

It turned out that Frank ate as much as he was cute. Which was a lot.

Not that Bob was noticing.

Bob paced, carton of rocky road in one hand and the old dusty phone receiver in the other. “Man, we gotta call the sheriff on these dicks.”

“Technically only Francis and Jake have dicks.” Frank said wiping his mouth with the back of his arm.

“That’s not what I meant. Hey, who’s on your shirt?” Bob asked dialing up Sheriff Deputy Steineckert. Bob liked him. He was a good guy and didn’t give him half the shit that his partner did. His partner was pretty generous with the donuts though.

“You don’t know the Misfits? Man, we gotta get you in some cooler threads and listening to some other stuff. Please don’t tell me you’re in marching band.” Frank tossed the carton toward the fireplace, bowling ball style.

“Hey, I’m in the drumline. It’s cool.” Bob muttered and wiped his hands down his shirt. “What’s wrong with my shirt? Oh hey. Deputy Steineckert. It’s me. You gotta come to the Lighthouse Lounge. There’s some shit going down. There’s there criminals. They’re makin’ their own money. And they kidnap people. And KILL people. Holy fuck, man. You gotta get down here!” Bob said in a rush.

“Robert? That you? Now, is this like the time you told me that the lunch lady was slipping LSD into the mystery meat sauce?” Deputy Sheriff Steineckert asked flicking a screwdriver at the flywheel on his fishing rod. “Or the time you told me that Gabe Saporta had people in his basement?”

“Oh man, it went straight down. Oh holy crap. There’s a mine shaft down there. Hello! Hey it echoes!” Frank yelled already halfway down the hole in the fireplace.

“No! Frankie! Frankie! Crap, who chases their fucking echo?” Bob muttered, phone held away from his mouth.

“…Or the time you told me that you saw Jepha in a dress.”

“FRANKIE! NO WAIT!” Bob absentmindedly yanked the receiver from its socket.

The line went dead. “Robert? Bobby? You still there?”

+++++

The clanging was loud.

“Mama, watch yo’ head.” Jake says trying to wave the water away. He ducked out of the way of a jerking mass of pipes. “You think those kids went this way?”

Mama thwapped Jake upside his head. “Of course. Who do you think did this? ‘sides I can smell their bubblegum.”

Jake grinned and punched Francis. “We’re gonna be rich!”

Francis grimaced and wiped his glasses. “We gotta find those kids and get to the treasure first.”

+++++

“So, Gabe. What’d you wish for?” Ryland asked smirking.

“You’re going to find out.” Gabe pulled on the rope grinning over at Ryland.

Alex shook his head and took a drag off his cigarette. “You dirty, dirty boy.”

“What can I say, Brendon knows what kind of guy I am. Brendon’s,” Gabe said and finally got the bucket up.

Wrapped around the body of the bucket was Gabe’s lettermen’s jacket.

Alex and Ryland exchanged a look and took a step back as Gabe tugged the jacket from around the bucket.

“BRENDON YOU GOONIE!”

+++++

They almost lost Patrick down a trap when he fell through the floor almost dropped into a pit of spikes. He was fortunately saved by his pinchers of power. “H-had to use the l-lame giveaways from all those m-magazine sales.” He said packing away the spring loaded chomping teeth back into his sleeves.

“Fucking booby traps.” Pete muttered and dusted off Patrick’s jacket. “Hey at least you didn’t lose a hand there, Mikes. Totally ruin your Friday nights.” He said leering.

Mikey blinked in confusion. “Huh?” He thought that possibly sticking his hand into the niche and turning it with the metal key from Chester’s neck wouldn’t be that big a deal. He felt a little bad that they almost lost Patrick, but they didn’t so it was cool.

Brendon gave Mikey a little smile and let Ray hold his hand.

“Thanks,” Mikey said and Brendon ruffled his hair. “For staying.”

“Hey, I’m allowed to be young and stupid.” Brendon said. “Hopefully we’ll live long enough where I get to be old and wise.” Ray squeezed his hand and laughed.

“Okay, guys. Uhm.” Mikey said looking at the map and bouncing on his toes. “Next thing, anyone have to go to the bathroom?”

Pete raised his hand and the rest soon followed.

“Cool. Uh, okay little boys room to the right and uh. If you gotta do more than take a piss, uh. Go to the left side.” Mikey said tucking the map in his pocket. “Hey, uh. Ray where’re you going?”

Ray grinned and headed into the center tunnel. “This is the men’s room, Mikey.”

“Oh. Hey.” Mikey frowned as Patrick and Pete brushed past him to follow Ray. “Hey!”

+++++

“Dude, what the fuck happened here?” Frank asked looking up at the mass of pipes as they did a drunken crazy up and down dance.

Bob groaned. “Oh yeah, Mikey’s been through here.”

“Man, is your friend mentally re--,” Frank started and stopped.

“He’s cool. Just… really not all there all the time.” Bob said and wiped his forehead.

Frank grabbed one of the pipes and balanced on a rock and pushed up at the pipe. It didn’t take much force surprisingly, or Frank was freakishly strong, but the pipe went flush against the ceiling and the pipes stopped shaking.

There was a screeching sound then a crash.

Bob and Frank exchanged a look and Frank dropped his hands down to the pockets of his hoodie. Frank shrugged and clapped Bob on the shoulder. “C’mon, adventure ho!”

Bob grumbled but followed close behind. He had a feeling that hanging out with Frank would and could be more dangerous than any plan Mikey had.

+++++

“Ray? Ohhh, Ray?” Brendon called out. Spencer had told him it was a stupid plan, but he wanted a kiss. He had been put through danger and mussed his hair. He wanted a goddamn kiss from Ray Toro. Besides, if they died in these stupid caves, he totally didn’t want to die before he got to do that.

“Raaaaay!”

“God, go see what he’s bitching about will you?” Ray grumbled still peeing.

Mikey stumbled out of the tunnel and felt himself being tugged into a shadowy corner of the other tunnel. Then there was a warm wet mouth against his and hands on his ass.

“Whoa, this way Cassanova,” Spencer said grinning as Mikey stumbled back out.

Mikey sat down heavily next to Patrick looking dazed.

“So, how was it?” Spencer asked peeking back into the cave where Brendon was leaning against the wall.

Brendon smiled softly and touched his lips. “It was amazing! His lips are so soft and his breathing was all shaky like he was nervous. It… it was just perfect.”

“Maybe next time you should open your eyes.” Spencer said trying not to giggle.

“Yeah, yeah. Sure. Watch out. I think there was a hole or something. Ray was standing in it, I think.” Brendon said walking back out. He smiled up warmly at Ray and rubbed his hand over his arm.

“Are you crazy? They’re here!” Ray said grabbing Brendon’s arm.

Brendon blanched and he looked up at the other end of the cavern. “They’re here? THEY’RE HERE!”

“Hey, kiddies.” Mama said brandishing her Colt.

+++++

“Holy crap.” Mikey whispered looking up at the piano made up of what looked like bones.

“Guys, guys wasn’t that so fucking cool? Trick you are. God!” Pete exclaimed jumping up and down smacking Patrick in the shoulder. “Your brain is so fucking cool. Slick shoes! And they went down! And the big gush of water! You totally pwned them. Hardcore!” He raised his hand up for a high five and Patrick rolled his eyes.

“I’m g-gonna keep l-look out,” Patrick said looking at the piano. “Fuckin’ cr-creepy a-ass p-pirates.”

Pete snickered. “Ass pirates.” Three sets of elbows landed on Pete’s back. “Ow, motherfuckers!” He rubbed his midsection and glared at everyone. “You all suck. Suck.”

Mikey unrolled the map and flipped it around. “Here.” He says pointing at the measure of notes.

“Okay. Uhm. Does anyone know how to play the piano?” Ray asked looking around the group.

“Brendon does,” Spencer said trying to take a step back, away from the bony index finger that was touching his elbow.

Brendon made a small stuttering sound. “When I was four, and this. This is nothing like my mother’s Steinway.” Brendon started when Ray put a hand on his back and stood him in front of the keyboard.

“Listen, Brendon. We wouldn’t ask you if we didn’t really need you to. You can do this. You are smart and beautiful and.” Ray rubbed his back as he talked.

“And a Goonie.” Mikey said nodding hard. “No one ever thinks we can do stuff, but we pull it through. You can do this.”

Brendon took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay. Okay, I think the first note is…”

+++++

The learning curve on a piano made up of dead pirates took some getting used to. Brendon winced and smiled apologetically at Pete. “Sorry!”

Pete clung to the back of Mikey’s shirt after almost tipping backward into the pit. “Hey, it’s cool. You know. Wetting my pants or something.”

Mikey patted Pete’s arm. “At least it wasn’t Patrick this time.”

Pete muttered something under his breath about how he wasn’t wearing a red shirt on this mission.

“G-guys…” Patrick stuttered seeing a hand emerged from the depths of the cavern. A scary veiny old woman-y type hand was wrapped around the boulder at the bottom of the slope.

“God! Mouth I’m so sorry!” Brendon said flustered and he swallowed hard.

“It’s okay Brendon. Goonies mess up all the time. Just don’t do it again.” Mikey said clutching at Pete who was muttering under his breath about his pissed in jeans.

“GUYS! THEY’RE HERE!” Patrick yelled and ran full force toward them.

The resounding blast of air from the pipes gave way to the shaking of the ground.

They almost lost Patrick again.

“Get ‘em boys!” Mama yelled from the bottom of the slope.

“Brendon!” Ray yelled trying to keep them all on the tiny bit of rock ledge that was left.

“The last note. The last note’s either an F Sharp or a B flat.” Brendon said waving his hands.

“You hit the wrong note--,” MIkey said and Ray thwapped him.

Brendon hit the last note and the rock door slid down the last few inches. “Oh god.” He said nearly collapsing.

“No resting. Bad guys.” Ray said pushing the rest of the kids toward the light.

“Stop where you are!” Mama yelled waving her pistol around as Jake pulled his own gun from his holster.

“Brendon come on! What are you doing?” Ray yelled trying to grab Brendon back. Brendon leaned out and grabbed the map from the piano.

“The map!” Brendon said

The rest of the screams, gunshots, and Pete’s squeals of fright were lost in another rush of water and the slide down into the dak.

+++++

The slide down into the small pool of water wasn’t pleasant.

“God, I think my shorts are still up in my-,” Pete muttered.

“Shut up, Mouth.” Mikey said as they wandered around the deck of the pirate ship.

“You know what. I’m sick of everyone saying that. I swear there was something that touched my leg. Like a tentacle. You guys are such dicks. It’s always ‘Shut up, Mouth’ ‘You’re a douche, Pete’ or --,” Pete knocked into Spencer and frowned. He blanched when he saw the dead pirate’s bones draped over the edge of the barrel. “Not cool.”

“Okay. So where’s the treasure, Mikey?” Ray asked wiping his forehead with his bandana.

“Yeah, where’s the rich stuff?” Pete said looking around. “Cuz all I see are dead guys and a jacked up boat.”

“I. I don’t,” Mikey stuttered.

He probably would have had to answer.

Except that Patrick had fallen down somewhere. Again.

+++++

“F-fuck this sh-shit. Why the f-fuck is it alw-ways me?” Patrick grumbled kicking at a barrel and letting Pete help him up. He whimpered when Brendon’s “Uh oh!” echoed in the small room.

“Brendon?” Ray whipped around looking for him.

“Sorry! Sorry! I think I triggered another booby trap.” Brendon said dropping the rag doll back onto the barrel and letting go of the rope.

Patrick covered his head, ready for the inevitable. Pete covered his nuts, just in case.

Mikey punches through the hidden partition and gets lifted up.

The captain’s private hold is just as amazing as he thought it would be. The pirates sat around the table, a table spilling with riches, glittering in the dim light from the one dusty window. The light from the water outside and the high skylight-like opening from the cavern made the diamonds and gold coins and multicolored gems sparkle. Mikey took a long pull from his inhaler and approached the captain.

+++++

“…And so. Me and my friends we’re like you guys. The rejects, the ones who aren’t supposed to mean anything. But we are. We’re here and we outsmarted you. But… we respect you. So, thanks. Thanks a lot for this. It’s going to help my brother and our families.” Mikey wiped his eyes.

There was a small sound behind Mikey, someone clearing their throat.

Mikey turned quickly, nearly knocking off One Eyed Willy’s hat. “Whoa. Uh. So how long have you guys been standing there?”

“Long enough, Mikey,” Ray said softly and walked over to tug Mikey into a hug.

Mikey let himself lean against Ray for minute, half wishing Gerard were there too, before pushing away and wiping his face with his hands. “Okay. So, so what are you guys waiting for? Load up. Anything you can fit in your pockets. Except. Except that.” Mikey said softly, stopping Pete from grabbing a handful of gold coins from the golden scale in the center of the table. “Anything else.”

The flurry of action was filled with the sound of coins and treasure falling into jacket pockets.

“Bye, bye marbles.” Mikey mumbled shoving two fistfuls of gems and coins into his marble bag and tucking it back into his jacket pocket. He watched Brendon run by with a tiara on top of his head and Spencer looping a chain of diamonds around his neck.

“What about the Fratellis, guys?” Pete asked shoving rings on his fingers.

“I don’t know. Who cares?” Ray muttered holding up a sapphire the size of his fist.

“Hey, I know! I saw this on this a movie once. The Hardy Boys. They left a trail of treasure into one cave and we can sneak out the other.” Mikey said looking up and his eyes widening.

“Now that sounds like a great idea.” Mama said grinning out from the shadows. Jake and Francis came up to flank her, smiling the same dark smile.

“Well, fuck,” Patrick said without a stutter.

+++++

All their treasure was dumped on the deck. The Fratellis barking out orders and lining them up on the deck.

“You… you old hag. You can’t just do this. Hey, hey what are you doing?” Brendon asked, voice cracking when Mama Fratelli started to tug him toward the edge of the ship from his bound together wrists. She shoved Brendon to Jake and picked up one of the cutlasses from the ship’s deck.

“Leave him alone you old bat!” Spencer said and Pete tried to kick at Mama Fratelli as she walked by.

Mama Fratelli smacked Pete across the face and he fell against Spencer, mouth bleeding. “Okay, not my smartest move.” Pete said spitting out a mouthful of blood.

Spencer helped Pete back up. “Yeah, well. Duh.”

“Bring that little mouthy one over here.” Mama said to Jake.

Everyone looked at Pete still bleeding from the mouth against Spencer.

“No, the other one. The cheerleader.” Mama said gesturing with her sword.

Jake dragged Brendon closer to the open edge of the deck. Brendon thrashed and tried to kick at Jake. Jake growled and Brendon meeped loudly, getting shoved at the end of the plank.

“What’re you doing with him?” Ray yelled.

“Not so smart is he?” Mama said smirking. “You’re a mouthy little shit. And you know what happens to mouthy little shits?”

Brendon kept edging away from the sharp tip of the sword. “No, please. I can’t swim with my hands tied.” His eyes got wide, the back of his heels against the lip of the plank. He looked behind him, the wide blue of the water stretching out below the ship.

“Well, see there’s the problem boy-o. I don’t care,” Mama said slashing at Brendon.

Brendon yelped and tipped back to get away from harm and stumbled back. He screamed and there was a splash then silence.

“Brendon!” Ray yelled, pushing past Mama and jumping in after Brendon.

“You evil bitch!” Spencer screamed and tried to grab at Mama.

“Jake get these two tied up. They’re next.” Mama said belting Spencer one across the mouth.

Spencer stumbled against Pete and Pete caught him. “Not your smartest move,” Pete said glaring at Mama.

“Yeah, well. Duh.” Spencer said licking at his split lip.

Spencer and Pete struggled as Francis tied them together. “Get out there.” He said shoving them toward the plank.

“Make me, oh. Right. Gun.” Pete said eyeing the pistol.

“HEY YOU GUYS!”

Pete, Spencer, Patrick, and Mikey looked up in surprise. “CHUNK?”

Bob stood up near the crow’s nest with Frank and grinned down at his friends. “Fuck you guys. It’s Captain Ch--. No, Captain Bob!” He waved at Frank. “Go ahead.”

“Who let him out?” Francis barely got out before Frank came swinging down on a rope. Francis got a face full of Converse as Frank kicked out and landed on the deck. “Hey, we’re the calvary.” He said grinning and slashing at the ropes holding Pete and Spencer together.

“Thanks.” Spencer said shaking out of his bonds. He walked over to Mama who looked shocked to see just how everything had fallen into chaos. Spencer tapped Mama on the shoulder and pointed up.

Pete’s eyes widened when he saw Spencer lay Mama out flat. “Wow. Scared of you.” He said and Spencer smirked running back to help untie Mikey.

“Bob! Watch out!” Patrick yelled when Jake pulled out his gun and fired at Bob. Patrick shoved Jake, making the shot go wide.

Bob cursed and slid down the sail and stumbled over a coil of ropes. “Okay, and now Captain Bob says let’s get our asses the fuck out of here.”

“Oh no. No. My fucking hair!” Pete yelled when Spencer tugged him off the end of the plank and into the water after Mikey, Bob, and Patrick.

+++++

Luckily, Ray managed to get Brendon out of his ties and to safety.

Unluckily, they were trapped in a cavern with a pirate ship. The bad guys had guns and swords and they had a lot of nothing.

“There’s got to be a way out of here.” Mikey said as they waded out to a shallow spot near the cave walls.

They all looked to Mikey for guidance and Frank poked at Patrick. “Dude, you know you’ve got dynamite hanging out of your backpack?”

There was a mad dash to Patrick’s backpack. “Th-they were from the candles we took from Ch-chester Copperpot. Pl-plenty of cracks. Jam a couple of sticks into one, blow it, and we dive underwater to k-keep safe from the blast.”

Things were looking up. Mikey just hoped they held up before they ended up like Chester Copperpot. Goonies never said die, but there really wasn’t mention of maimed by crazy criminals till you eventually died either.

Patrick pulled a lighter from his pocket and lit it, the flame jumping.

Frank grinned. “Man, I like this guy.”

+++++

The actual getaway was almost a little anticlimactic.

They managed to blow a hole in the side of the cave and make it out without any real injury. Pete did complain about the water messing with his hair, but shut up when Spencer poked him in the lip.

“…And I want to take piano lessons.” Brendon said excitedly to his parents and flapped his hands.

“No, Ma. I’m okay. Really. It’s just my face. I was born with it.” Ray said trying to get away from his mother’s clucking.

“I lost my glasses,” Spencer pouted.

“M-my gadgets. I really need to g-get patents, D-Dad,” Patrick said almost getting his nose broken with his father’s camera.

“…This is Frankie. We gotta send him home, but he can come stay with us till his folks come.” Bob said slinging an arm around Frankie. Frankie just grinned and wiggled his fingers in a wave.

“Of course, Bobby. Sweetheart, does your friend have a ring through his lip…?”

“God, Mikey!” Gerard said pulling Mikey up and wrapping him in a hug. He could feel Gerard’s chest heaving a little as he cried. Rosalina patted Mikey awkwardly and went to shift through the pile of wet clothing to find Mikey’s to take back with them.

“I’m okay. We’re okay. But… we messed up. We had the future in our hands and we let it go to save our own lives.” Mikey whispered.

“No amount of treasure or gold could make up for you. I’m just glad you’re safe. As long as I’ve got you, Mikey. I’m the richest guy in Belleville.” Gerard said hugging Mikey tight.

The Saportas walked up, smirking and looking smug.

“You’re looking at the richest people in Belleville, Way,” Gabe said sneering at Gerard.

“Screw you!” Mikey yelled at the Saportas, throwing his blanket on the ground. Gerard put his hand on Mikey’s shoulder and squeezed.

Spencer and Brendon looked up at the commotion and ran over. Pete and Patrick followed quickly and Ray took his place next to Gerard, hand on Mikey’s other side.

“Aww how sweet. You’re poor little misfit little family.” Mr. Saporta said and shook out a sheaf of papers and held it up. “It’s time, Mr. Way.”

Gerard sighed and Mikey looked up at Gerard. “God, Gee. I’m. We had it all in our hands and we let it go.”

Gerard smiled at Mikey and ruffled his hair. “I’d rather have you than a house, Mikey.” He took the papers from Mr. Saporta and clicked the pen open.

Rosalina started yelling from across the lot, waving a bag in the air.

Mikey’s eyes widened and he shoved at Gerard. “Don’t sign that!”

“Hey, I was going to tell you that.” Pete said finally figuring out what ‘No firma’ meant.

Rosalina opened up Mikey’s marble bag and poured out the contents.

“There will be no signing today, tomorrow, or any other day!” Gerard said throwing the pen to the ground and taking the pieces of paper between his two hands.

The jewels and coins glittered brightly and the sound of Gerard tearing the contract into tiny pieces faded as the cheers crescendoed.

+++++

They sat through the questions even as the Fratellis were being taken away in handcuffs and stuffed into the back of the police car.

No one believed their story till they saw the ghostly pirate ship sailing toward the horizon.

Mikey leaned against Gerard and tipped his head up seeing his brother smile, face relaxed for the first time in months. “We’re gonna be okay now.”

Gerard nodded, his eyes trained on the ship disappearing into the rolling bank of fog.

They were going to be okay. Mikey knew it and now Gerard believed it.

+++++

**Epilogue**

They never found One Eyed Willy’s ship. Some say that it sailed on the currents and ended up sinking just off the coast. Others say it wasn’t ever really there. And even others say that Willy always had a plan and maybe he had a port waiting for his ship even after all these years.

The Goondocks stayed in possession of all its residents and the Saportas decided to invest in property overseas. Gabe became the shame of the family and was rumored to have started some kind of religious commune where there was the worship of snakes and nature and space.

Gerard kept the museum running for many years and finally retired to try his hand at writing a comprehensive history of the Goondocks and the mystery and life of One Eyed Willy and his ship.

Ray went off to college and came back. He and Brendon dated off and on for the next few years before Brendon went off to Paris and had some very torrid affair with some musician with a penchant for gloves and eye make up. Ray stayed in town and became the high school arts and drama teacher. Brendon came back world weary and ready to settle back down and found Ray again. They’ve been married for five years now and couldn’t be happier.

Spencer went off to New York to pursue his dreams of being a model. After high school, he shed the slight weight of baby fat and wanted to put his bitchy attitude to good use. Spencer and Pete had an ongoing contentious relationship all throughout Pete’s time at the docks. Once Spencer ran away to the Big Apple, Pete chased after him. Pete had a few failed careers before finding his niche in radio broadcast. His talk radio show became nationally syndicated. They now live just inside Washington Heights.

Frank did stay with the Bryars for a good amount of time even after the Ieros came to retrieve their son. Bob and Frank spent many summers, vacations, and weekends becoming the best of friends. It was them against the world. Frank turned Bob onto different kinds of music and encouraged him to branch out from drumline. They now co-own a music store in Belleville. Bob teaches music (and helps Ray at the high school with the band and musical productions) and gives lessons out of the store. Frank shipped out records via the web and through in store sales. Frank finally asked Bob to make him an honest man. Their wedding is scheduled for fall.

Patrick moved away from Belleville after college and started his own gadgets and inventing firm. Their biggest sellers being a personal security protection system via a belt that can be work under the clothes. His stutter lessened over time and he married his college sweetheart. They’ve got two kids and another on the way. They go back often to visit Belleville and make trips into New York to visit Pete and Spencer.

Mikey spent his life in Belleville, taking care of the docks and the town. He became their champion and fought to improve and share the history of it with anyone who wanted to learn about their home. He was elected councilman a few years after graduating from the local college with a degree in history and creative writing. He means to help his brother with his book and to get the caverns declared a state historical site. He dated throughout high school and college, but always laughing said that his real husband or wife was the town itself.

It was the one thing that had his heart. It was home.

 

 

fin.

**Author's Note:**

> my all time favorite movie? goonies. i've wanted for a long time for there to be a recast of this and a remake of the movie into fic. no one ever wrote it for me... so when [](http://reel-band.livejournal.com/profile)[**reel_band**](http://reel-band.livejournal.com/) cropped up, i decided to bite the bullet and try my hand at it. thank you to [](http://lovelypoet.livejournal.com/profile)[**lovelypoet**](http://lovelypoet.livejournal.com/) and [](http://schuyler.livejournal.com/profile)[**schuyler**](http://schuyler.livejournal.com/) for the read throughs. the fratellis and various other premises belong to the original movie. i just borrowed them. the title is from the ataris song.


End file.
